THE CHATTER
Up until a few short years ago, my mind was full of constant chatter constantly questioning my actions:
“Did I speak concisely with the appropriate facts in the meeting?”
“If I don’t buy that fancy new horse, will my trainer still want me in their program?”
“My stepdaughter was quiet this morning, did I say something wrong?”
“I am taking a day out of the office…will my team question my dedication?”
“I practice all of the time, how come I chipped at that fence.”
“If I only hadn’t slowed down for water, my split time would have been 30 seconds faster.”
…And on the list went.
I felt like a hamster on a treadmill that was never quite good enough and I totally missed appreciating the accomplishments I had achieved. My husband constantly repeated, “ Stop beating yourself up". Easier said than done. I’m not sure what drives so many of us to pursue the impossible goal of absolute perfection, but it is rampant amongst many of my peers. I think it is part generational and part genetic. In business school, I had a professor explain to my class that women should always carry a Wall Street Journal in our work bag so as to be taken seriously. We were basically told we were starting with a negative scorecard. Crazy enough- he was correct. The CEO’s mother was impressed when she spotted the WSJ in my tote as I walked into the office one morning. Perception is said to be reality, but following a career as an executive marketer, I now am appalled at this statement. Substance and transparency is reality.
THE ROAD TO HAPPINESS
So what changed? I just had enough of working hard and never feeling good enough. I experienced an epiphany. I finally allowed someone to cut through my guarded armor, which was my patient husband of four years at the time. A successful entrepreneur, he challenged me to uphold the integrity I found so important to character, but to also enjoy life. The first baby steps were to finally join his family for entire vacations as opposed to staying back at the office. I also dropped the obsessive marathon training that cut into personal time and holidays. He guided me to drop the behaviors that had been instilled in my being as a career professional and serious amateur equestrian/runner and to not worry about the judgments of others. As long as I felt that I was absolutely trying my best, which was the case, than what was there to question?
The guidelines that have worked best for me to simplify my life are the well-known teachings recommended by several spiritual advisors and mainstream counselors. "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz is a short read, but the premises are broken down to simple principles:
A WORK IN PROGRESS
The journey to personal freedom is not always easy, but it is rewarding when you truly apply yourself. I have now chosen to ride at less well-known barns that were chosen by program, animal welfare and where a beehive of gossip is not condoned. My barn mates are just as serious, if not more, but they are "equestrians". The fruit of the efforts is not about how well one placed in a class, but rather how the round went. We are competitive and work very hard, but each horse's welfare and our riding techniques come first.
Additionally, my social group drastically tightened. Credentials such as executive titles, degrees, alma maters and social memberships mean very little to my husband and I. Rather, we respect those who achieve the aformentioned accolades because they were brave enough to follow their personal passion. We are attracted to individual character and whether someone chooses to live their life in a positive manner and follow the basic guidelines outlined in The Four Agreements.
I am the first to admit that I often regress. I still take criticism personally, especially when I am giving my all to a project or activity. I find myself judging myself against the accomplishments of others. The worst is that as hard as I try to refrain, I occasionally find myself caught up in horse show “chatter” a.k.a. gossip. Not malicious in intent, but also not healthy. These obstacles aside, for the most part I have experienced a new sense of confidence and belief in my actions as I integrate The Four Agreements as a way of life.
My goal in sharing these teachings is that they assist to emancipate your life with happiness in the same manner as they have helped so many others and myself. The chatter I once experienced is subsiding and my priorities have simplified to what matters. I encourage you to read the book, The Four Agreements, and if you would like a copy of the abbreviated list above in a pdf or jpg format, please email me directly at Kristin@kmthornton.com.
Salut!
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